1. A tourist approached a prostitute in the back streets of Soho in London
   
   
   "How much?" he asked
   
   
   "It'll cost ya twenty quid" replied the tart
   
   
   "American Express?" he inquired
   
   
   "You can go as fast as you like" she said
   
   
   
   
   


2. What do you call someone who speaks three languages?
   
   Tri-lingual.
   
   What do you call someone who speaks two languages?
   
   Bi-lingual.
   
   What do you call someone who speaks only one language?
   
   An American.
   
   
   
   


3. An American was visiting in Australia.　"Don't you think that tower is beautiful?" asked his Australian guide.　
   
   "Well, now," said the American, "we've got towers as big as that or bigger at home."
   
   "What about this road?"　asked the Aussie.　"Have you ever seen any like it before?"
   
   "Why sure," said the visitor.　"We've got lots of roads longer and wider than that."　
   
   They continued walking until they came to a field.　Suddenly they saw a kangaroo hop by.　"Well, said the American, "one thing I'll have to admit.　Your grasshoppers are a little larger than ours at home."
   
   
   
   


4. An american goes to Germany because he wants to drive on the Autobahn. On the radio he hears: "Motorists on the autobahn be careful, a car is driving on the wrong side of the road."　
   
   The yankie says; "ONE!?!"　"There's Hundreds".
   
   
   
   


5. A WW II American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe for three months, when he was finally given a week of R&R.　He caught a supply boat to a supply base in the south of England, then caught a train to London. The train was extremely crowded and he could not find a seat. He was dead on his feet and walked the length of the train looking for any place to sit down.
   
   Finally he found a compartment with seats facing each other; there was room for two people on each seat. On one side sat only a proper looking, older British lady, with a small dog sitting in the empty seat beside her.
   
   "Could I please sit in that seat," he asked. The lady was insulted; "You Americans are so rude," she said, "can't you see my dog is sitting there?"
   
   He walked through the train more and still could not find a seat. He found himself back at the same place. "Lady, I love dogs, I have a couple at home. So I would be glad to hold your if I can sit down."
   
   The lady replied, "You Americans are not only rude you are arrogant!" she said. He leaned against the wall for a time, but was so tired he finally said, "Lady, I've been on the front lines in Europe for three months with not a decent rest for all that time. Could I please sit there and hold your dog?"
   
   She replied, "You Americans are not only rude and arrogant, you are also obnoxious." With that comment, the soldier calmly stepped in, picked up the dog, threw it out the window, and sat down. The lady was speechless.
   
   An older, neatly dressed Englishman sitting across on the other seat spoke up. "Young man, I do not know if all you Americans fit the lady's discription of you or not. But, I do know that you Americans do a lot of things wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road, you hold your forks with the wrong hand, and now you have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."
   
   
   
   


6. Three men in a Soviet gulag are sitting around the barrel stove one night and the subject of what they are incarcerated for comes up.
   
   The first one says:　" I am here because I voted for Comrade Petrov in 1957".
   
   The second one says: "I am here because I voted against Comrade Petrov in 1958".
   
   The third one says, "I am Comrade Petrov".
   
   
   
   


7. A Russian man and his wife lived on a collective farm in near Kiev. He loved her dearly and she was attractive and dutiful. But she was the world's worst cook. He was near starvation because he could not eat any of the food she prepared. Then one day the local Communist party headquarters announced that among other evening classes they were offering was one on cooking. The man suggested it to his wife and she agreed to go for the duration.
   
   He cooked for himself as she was at class every evening. But after six months he finally asked her to make him a meal to see what she had learned.
   
   She made the meal and he started eating when he found out it was just as vile as ever. He lost his temper and screamed that she had been in cooking class for a full six months she had not improved at all.
   
   She said "I can't help it! We are only now up to the October Revolution!"
   
   
   
   


8. Waitress:　Hawaii, sir?　You must be Hungary.
   
   
   Gentleman:　Yes, Siam.　I can't Rumania long.　Venice lunch ready?
   
   
   Waitress:　I'll Russia table.　What'll you Havre?　Aix?
   
   
   Gent:　Whatever's ready.　But can't Jamaica cook hurry?
   
   
   Waitress:　Odessa laugh!　But Alaska.
   
   
   Gent:　And put a Cuba sugar in my Java.
   
   
   Waitress:　Don't you be Sicily.　Sweden it yourself.　I'm only here to Serbia.
   
   
   Gent:　Denmark my check and call the Bosphorus.　I hope he'll Kenya.　I don't Bolivia know who I am!
   
   
   Waitress:　Canada noise!　I don't Caribbean!　You sure Ararat!
   
   
   Gent:　Samoa your wisecracks?　What's got India?　D'you think this arguing Alps business?　Be Nice!
   
   
   Waitress:　Don't Kiev me that Boulogne!　Alamein do! Spain in the neck.　Pay your check and beat it.　Abyssinia!
   
   
   
   
   


9. Cultural Differences Explained
   
   ==============================
   
   
   
   Aussies:　 Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.
   
   Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.
   
   Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
   
   Brits:　　 Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.
   
   
   
   Aussies:　 Believe you should look out for your mates.
   
   Brits:　　 Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.
   
   Americans: Believe that people should look out for & take care of themselves.
   
   Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job.
   
   
   
   Aussies:　 Are extremely patriotic to their beer.
   
   Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.
   
   Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them.
   
   Brits:　　 Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.
   
   
   
   Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
   
   Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels.
   
   Brits:　　 Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels.
   
   Aussies:　 Export all their crappy programs, which no-one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.
   
   
   
   Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and basketball.
   
   Brits:　　 Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby.
   
   Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing seball.
   
   Aussies:　 Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they play them in.
   
   
   
   Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English".
   
   Brits:　　 Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English".
   
   Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.
   
   Aussies:　 Add "G'day", "mate" and a heavy accent to everything they say in an attempt to get laid.
   
   
   
   Brits:　　 Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
   
   Aussies:　 Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
   
   Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.
   
   Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.
   
   
   
   Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.
   
   Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.
   
   Brits:　　 Drink warm, beery-tasting piss.
   
   Aussies:　 Drink anything with alcohol in it.
   
   
   
   Americans: Seem to think that poverty & failure are morally suspect.
   
   Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
   
   Brits:　　 Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited things.
   
   Aussies:　 Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.
   
   
   
   


10. Two Russian soldiers were on the Berlin Wall one night.
    
    One of them out of the clear blue said:
    
    "If I were to jump off this wall and run into West Berlin, would you shoot me?"
    
    The other said, "Of course I would! Wouldn't you?"
    
    The first replied, "No, I wouldn't."
    
    To which the second answered: "Oh, well in that case, I'll go first."
    
    
    
    


11. Place and time: somewhere in the Soviet Union in 1930s. The phone rings at KGB headquarters.
    
    "Hello?"
    
    "Hello, is this KGB?"
    
    "Yes. What do you want?"
    
    "I'm calling to report my neighbour Yankel Rabinovitz as an enemy of the State. He is hiding undeclared diamonds in his firewood."
    
    "This will be noted."
    
    Next day, the KGB goons come over to Rabinovitz's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no diamonds, swear at Yankel Rabinovitz and leave.
    
    The phone rings at Rabinovitz's house.
    
    "Hello, Yankel! Did the KGB come?"
    
    "Yes."
    
    "Did they chop your firewood?"
    
    "Yes, they did."
    
    "Okay, now its your turn to call. I need my vegetable patch plowed."
    
    
    
    


12. Bale a tu cuerpo alegria Macarena
    
    Que tu cuerpo es pa' darle alegria y cosa buena
    
    Bale a tu cuerpo alegria Macarena
    
    Ehhh, Macarena!
    
    
    
    Dance to shitty music stupid Americans!
    
    You are so stupid that you think this shitty music is good
    
    Dance to shitty music stupid Americans
    
    Heeyyy, stupid Americans!
    
    
    
    Macarena tiene un novio que se llama
    
    Que se llama de apellido Vitorino
    
    Y en la jura de bandera del muchacho
    
    Se la dio con dos amigos
    
    
    
    Stupid americans will have sex with a llama
    
    Why is the llama named Vitronio?
    
    While you're busy your girl will go at it with our friends
    
    and we'll be friends with them (doesn't translate well)
    
    
    
    Que le gusta la movida guerrilera
    
    Macarena suean con el Corte Ingles
    
    Y se compra los mnodelos mas modernos
    
    Le gustaria vivr on Nueva York
    
    
    
    With much force you bugger gorillas
    
    Stupid Americans buy their clothes at K-Mart
    
    And they compare their asses with their faces
    
    We think New York Sucks
    
    
    
    


13. The coach had finally put together the perfect team. The only thing he was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges, and even the high schools, and he couldn't find a ringer quarterback that would ensure a SuperBowl win.
    
    Then one night, watching CNN, he saw a war zone in Bosnia.　In the background, out of the corner of his eye, he spotted a young Bosnian soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th story window 200 yards away -- ka-boom! He threw another hand grenade into a group of about 10 soldiers a good 110 yards away--ka-blooey!　A car passes going 90 miles an hour--bulls-eye! Right into the barely open window.
    
    "I've got to get this guy," he says to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
    
    So he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football.　Predictably, the young man breaks all the records for completed passes, and the team goes on to win the SuperBowl.
    
    The young Bosnian is lionized as the Great Hero of SuperBowl, and when coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is to call his mother.
    
    "Mom," the young man says into the receiver, "I just won the SuperBowl."
    
    "I don't want to talk to you," the old woman says. "You deserted us. You're not my son."
    
    I don't think you understand, mother," the young man pleads. "I just won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm in the middle of thousands of adoring fans."
    
    "No, let me tell you," the mother implores. "At this very moment, there are gun shots all around us.　The neighborhood is a pile of rubble.　Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and this week your sister was raped in broad daylight...."
    
    The old lady pauses, in tears. "...I'll never forgive you for moving us to the USA!"
    
    
    
    


14. Little Boy:　What will communism be like when perfected?
    
    His Father:　Everyone will have what he needs.
    
    LB: But what if there is a shortage of meat?
    
    HF: There will be a sign in the butcher shop saying, "No one needs meat today."
    
    
    
    


15. Watch the television news and we find out our highways aren't safe, our streets aren't safe, our parks aren't safe...but under our arms we have complete protection.
    
    
    
    


16. A Russian man saves his rubles for twenty years to buy a new car.　After choosing the model and options he wants, he's not the least bit surprised or even concerned to learn that it will take two years for the new car to be delivered.　He thanks the salesman and starts to leave, but as he reaches the door he pauses and turns back to the salesman "Do you know which week two years from now the new car will arrive?" he asks.
    
    The salesman checks his notes and tells the man that it will be two years to the exact week.　The man thanks the salesman and starts out again, but upon reaching the door, he turns back again.
    
    "Could you possibly tell me what day of the week two years from now the car will arrive?"　The salesman, mildly annoyed, checks his notes again and says that it will be exactly two years from this week, on Thursday.　The man thanks the salesman and once again starts to leave.
    
    Halfway though the door, he hesitates, turns back, and walks up to the salesman.
    
    "I'm sorry to be so much trouble, but do you know if that will be two years from now on Thursday in the morning, or in the afternoon?"　Visibly irritated, the salesman flips through his papers yet another time and says sharply that it will be in the afternoon, two years from now on Thursday.
    
    "That's a relief!" says the man.　"The plumber is coming in the morning!"
    
    
    
    


17. What is 150 yards long and eats potatoes?　
    
    A Moscow queue waiting to buy meat.
    
    
    
    


18. A teacher of American history asked the class in a test: "What was the reason for the Puritans coming to this country?"
    
    The best reply came from a student the teacher had always considered the dullest pupil. The answer given was: "They came to worship in their own way and to make everyone else do the same."
    
    
    
    


19. Czar Rudolph II of Russia was sitting in his chambers one day staring out the window. His wife comes into the room and he says to her, "Look dear, it is raining outside." She comes over to the window and looks out and says to him, "Nyet, nyet. It's not raining, it's snowing." "Nyet", says the Czar, "it's raining!" "Nyet", says his wife, "it's snowing!" After arguing back and forth for a while the Czar finally says, "Look, Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"
    
    
    
    


20. Some time ago (before the fall of the Berlin wall) A member of the Soviet government was on a fact finding tour in the U.K. The tour took the dignitry to a factory He asked the host "What time do you start work here?' the host replied (cockney accent) 'Well the fellows like to get in about 9ish in time for a quick cuppa before getting on with the job"　the Russian says "In Russia we start work at 5am.　How long for lunch?" the host replies, "Well the blokes like to go home for a quick lunch or a couple of pints at the local so I guess about an hour"　The Russian says"In Russia we have 10mins for lunch.　What time do you finish work?"　the host replies "well about 4:30 to 5 to get home in time for Corination Street"　the Russian says "In Russia we work untill 8 oclock" At this point the host says "well you wouldn't get this lot to work like that, they are all bloody Communists"
    
    
    
    


21. Lenin is dying, and talking things over with Stalin, his successor.
    
    "The one worry I have," says Lenin, "is this:　will the people follow you?　What do you think, comrade Stalin?"
    
    "They will," says Stalin, "they surely will."
    
    "I hope so," says Lenin, "but what if they don't follow you?"
    
    "No problem," says Stalin, "then they'll follow you."
    
    
    
    


22. So Gorbachev decided that now that he was on top, it was time to impress his ancient mother.　He sent his private helicopter out to the small town where she lived to pick her up.　He met her with a fleet of limos in Red Square.
    
    So, mama.　It's good to see you here in Moscow!　Come, we eat!
    
    She said nothing about the flight, and followed quietly into his limo.　He took her to the best restaurant in town, where they were served by an army of waiters.　The food was superb, the wine the best money could buy.　She said nothing.
    
    You like the dinner?　Come.　We fly to my Dacha for drinks.
    
    The chopper picked them up and delivered them to the steps of a magnificent building, secluded in the outskirts of the city.　Waiters in white coats were waiting, and proceeded to serve them with the best Cognac and liquor available.
    
    They sat sipping on the porch, looking out over the view.
    
    So, mama.　You don't say anything.　Aren't you proud of your little Miki?　Haven't I done well?
    
    She turned to him and replied in a quiet voice.
    
    Miki, baby.　Is wonderful time I have here.　Helicopters are so grand to fly in.　Food is best I have ever tasted.　And this, a dacha?　This is more glorious than anything I could imagine.
    
    Yes, Miki.　Is wonderful.　I am happy for you.　But Miki, Baby.　What if the communists return!
    
    
    
    


23. A guy in Moscow goes shopping for bread, but getting nearer to the bakery, he sees that the queue is one block long.　Discouraged, he decides to go and buy potatoes, only to discover that the queue there is two blocks long.　Frustrated, he resolves to take a chance at buying meat, but the queue at the butchery is three blocks long.　The guy finally flips, decides that this is all Brezhnev's fault, goes home, gets a sharp knife and sets out for the Kremlin, determined to kill Brezhnev.　As he approaches the Kremlin, he notices a queue that must have been ten blocks long.　Partly out of curiosity and partly out of habit, he joins it and after a moment asks the man ahead of him:　"What is this queue for?"　And the man replies:　"We are all queuing to kill Brezhnev!"
    
    
    
    


24. Three dogs have run away from home and meet on the street.　One is French, one English, and one Russian.　In discussing why they have run away the English dog says:　"In England the land is beautiful with lots of room to run, but the food is horrible."
    
    The French dog says:　"Oh in France it is the opposite.　The food is divine, but there is no place to run."
    
    The Russian dog says:　"In Russia, the food is excellent and there is plenty of space to run and play."
    
    "Why did you leave then," asked the other two?
    
    "Well a dog likes to bark once in a while."
    
    
    
    


25. During the communist rule in Russia,
    
    First Prisoner:　What are you here for?
    
    Second Prisoner:　I came to work late.　How about you?
    
    First Prisoner:　I came to work early, they arrested me on suspicion.
    
    Third Prisoner:　Well, I'm here because I arrived at work exactly on time.
    
    Second Prisoner:　What kind of offense is that?
    
    Third Prisoner: They said I must own an American watch.
    
    
    
    


26. An English traveler on the Trans Siberian was riding when the train came to a stop in the middle of a vast forest. 10 hours later he was still waiting on the train, when a conductor passed through the compartment. The man politely asked the conductor if their wait would be very much longer. The conductor replied that he thought it might be very much longer. To which the traveler said. "What makes you say that?" to which the conductor replied, "Because the Engineer traded the Engine for 3 cases of vodka."
    
    
    
    


27. The Dutch and American flags have similar colors....red, white and blue. When a Dutch visitor was here in the USA, he began to explain to an American friend how he saw the red, white and blue of the Dutch flag.
    
    "The colors," he said, "are symbols of our taxes. Red is for when we talk about them, white when we see our tax bills, and blue after they have been paid!"
    
    "I know what you mean," replied the American. "It's the same here, only we also see stars."
    
    
    
    


28. Khrushchev says to Zhou Enlai, "The difference between the Soviet Union and China is that I rose to power from the peasant class, whereas you came from the privileged Mandarin class.
    
    Zhou replies, "True.　But there is this similarity.　Each of us is a traitor to his class."
    
    
    
    


29. Joe Smith started another day early, having set his alarm clock (made in Japan) for 6:00am While his coffee pot (made in Japan), is perking, he puts his hair dryer (made in Taiwan), to work and shaves with his electric razor (made in Hong Kong). He puts on a dress shirt (made in Singapore), and a pair of tennis shoes (made in Korea).
    
    After cooking up some breakfast in his new electric skillet (made in the Philippines), he sits down to figure out on his calculator (made in Mexico) how muck he can spend today. After setting his watch (made in Japan), to the radio (made in Hong Kong), he goes out, gets in his car (made in Japan), and goes looking, ad he has been for months, for a goood paying American job.
    
    At the end of another discouraging and fruitless day, Joe decides to relax for awhile. He puts on a pair of sandles (made in Brazil), pours himself a glass of wine (made in France), and turns on his TV (made in Japan) and once agian ponders why he can't find a good paying American job.
    
    
    
    


30. What does american beer and making love in a small rowing-boat have in common?
    
    They are both f**king close to water!
    
    
    
    


31. Whats the difference between a an American and a pot of Yogurt..
    
    Theres more culture in a pot of yogurt...